i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
