Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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