NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
