Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
