My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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