Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
