Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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