i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I think I just sharted jello shots
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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