I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
