you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
