i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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