I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
