Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
