i just made my gag reflex go away.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
