So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize