I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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