I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
