I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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