OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
