Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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