Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize