Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
