So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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