If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
