he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
