Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
