hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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