I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize