and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
