They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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