and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
