I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have aggressive nipples.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
