don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
