if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize