He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
