I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
