Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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