I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
