Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
