They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
