I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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