Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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