halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize