Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
