In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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