You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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