New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
