Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
