my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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