yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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