I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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