I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
