Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
