Will you blow on my dice?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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